A long time ago, but not as long ago as scientists say, God decided to drown everyone on earth because men and women were wicked in heart and their thoughts were continually evil and primetime TV hadn’t been invented yet to capitalize on all of it.
But Noah found favor with God because other than his drinking problem, Noah was squeaky clean. Also Noah had a large family who were all very fertile and full of love so God knew they could repopulate the whole earth in no time.
So God told Noah that even though he was going to kill all of the humans, he wanted to save the skunks, the houseflies, the sharks, the rattlesnakes, the scorpions, the spiders, etc… so Noah was to build a large Ark and march millions of species onboard from all over the earth so they will be saved from the flood.
Noah asked God, “what about the fish?” God said, “they can swim.” Noah said, “but if the flood is fresh water, all of the salt water fish will die.” “If the flood is salt water, all of the fresh water fish will die.” God said, “Shut up.”
So Noah and his sons built the ark and marched every species on earth aboard in pairs and sevens. Then God flooded the earth and Noah watched the bubbles come up as all the men, women, children, and babies sank beneath the water and drowned. Glub, glub…
Months later the ark landed in some mountains in a place where thousands of years later people keep seeing it, but no one has managed to take a decent picture of it.
The End…
This was hillarious. Thanks for making my day!
:-)
glub, glub, glub
Once upon a time, approximately 2900 BCE, a great flood occurred in Shuruppak which was then a capital city and a commercial center located on the Euphrates River. Scientists know this since there are deposited sediments in Shuruppak directly above artifacts from the Jemdet Nasr period.
Of the six surviving versions of the Ancient Near East flood story, (The Noah story is the most recent one) the Epic of Atrahasis is the most explicit about the nature of the flood. According to Atrahasis III,iv,6-9 “Like dragonflies they (dead bodies) have filled the river. Like a raft they have moved to the edge (of the boat). Like a raft they have moved to the riverbank.”
Centuries later, an editor of the Epic of Gilgamesh XI, replaced the word “river” with the word “sea”, thus turning the river flood into an ocean deluge. We can see the mythmaker’s hand at work here. The editor copied the Atrahasis flood story word-for-word into the Epic of Gilgamesh, but the editor made several changes. He changed the line in Atrahasis “Like dragonflies they have filled the river” and substituted “Like the spawn of fish they fill the sea” in Gilgamesh XI.
The flood myth in the Epic of Gilgamesh was adapted from an earlier myth, the Epic of Atrahasis which is also very similar to the Genesis flood myth. Six of these Ancient Near East flood myths contain numerous distinctive story elements that are very similar to the Genesis flood myth and because of literary similarities they are known to be based on a common body of legends about the flood hero Ziusudra (Noah) and based on the Euphrates River flood of 2900 BC.
I used to believe all those stories.Now i only have one question…….What the HELL was i thinking?
I feel like a damned idiot for actually believing this stuff, up until several years ago. The only reason people believe this BS is because (sorry if I hurt your feelings, believers), you were all brainwashed when you were young, little, kids. The only way people can think this stuff is valid is if someone indoctrinates them when they are young. If a believer tries to argue that the bible is really true, they would take the opposite position if they were Jewish, or Muslim, or Buddhist, etc.
Hey there – as a believer who doen;t believe that the bible is literally true (eg the flood sotry) I’ve got to point out that lookiung a at a text from over 2500 years ago and placing our own present day world view is boudn top make us laugh. We’re asking the wrong questoin when we ask “Is this true?” I think we should be asking “what does this sotry tell us about the ancients understanding of Gdo and what does this mean for me here today”. A much more fruitful question.
It is possible to have faith and a brain – however most believers are stuck in their Sunday school undersatanding of God.
Greg,
I agree with some of what you say. However, the amusing part for me isn’t so much that the primitive ancient people who originated this tale showed very poor logic and little common sense, but that some adults today still think this story literally happened exactly the way it appears in the bible text.
To me this story, like many other stories in the Bible is simply meant to scare people to control them. I know it scared the pants off of me as a little child when I first read it.
Later on as a Christian I was taught that it was also a love story, how God had a loving relationship with one man and his family while he was drowning all of the other “nasty, naughty” men, women, children, and babies on earth. Also that God changed the laws of light refraction so that rainbows would appear after storms to remind us that he would never do this scary thing again. Of course later the Bible mentions that next time it’ll be fire instead.
take care,
Capella
Not just the fish, what about the vegetation? Trees and plants don’t survive very long at the bottom of the ocean. Heck, could you imagine the amount of debris floating in the water? However, a Dove returning with an olive branch would be a sign of dry land??? Keep in mind, this was before the iron age, so no metal parts on this ship to hold it together, no metal saws or axes to chop down the trees and make them into a ship. A wood ship this large could not handle any waves, the wood wood bend with the motion of the ocean and then create quite a leakage problem. Noah probably had some good pumps to keep the Ark afloat, eh? Now, for grins, lets say the whole Ark story happened, the ship landed on dry ground with lots of vegetation….Noah goes ahead and starts sacrificing the animals! Now….what are the carnivors supposed to eat? Eat a cow (clean, unlclean) or 2 or 3…..then the future for McDonalds would be in trouble. Also, think about….the worlds largest floating zoo managed by 8 people??? Where did the different races come from? Is incest OK? Oh, one could go on…….
Very funny article , I guess it’s kinda silly that a lot of people believe in the bible in a literal sense. I’m raised catholic but I’m not as hardcore as my grandparents and older relatives.
Though there are several of my cousins are strictly catholic and take stuff in the bible as if they were fact, there are also quite a number of us are more liberal and don’t believe the bible in a literal sense but merely as interpretations of past events and most of them are fictional.
lmao! capella, ur just 2 much. infact am having cramps due 2 excessive laughter! keep it up! still cant believe my parents(strong catholics) actually spanked me years back; just bcos i doubted d story. imagine dat!