A long time ago, but not as long ago as scientists say, God decided to drown everyone on earth because men and women were wicked in heart and their thoughts were continually evil and primetime TV hadn’t been invented yet to capitalize on all of it.
But Noah found favor with God because other than his drinking problem, Noah was squeaky clean. Also Noah had a large family who were all very fertile and full of love so God knew they could repopulate the whole earth in no time.
So God told Noah that even though he was going to kill all of the humans, he wanted to save the skunks, the houseflies, the sharks, the rattlesnakes, the scorpions, the spiders, etc… so Noah was to build a large Ark and march millions of species onboard from all over the earth so they will be saved from the flood.
Noah asked God, “what about the fish?” God said, “they can swim.” Noah said, “but if the flood is fresh water, all of the salt water fish will die.” “If the flood is salt water, all of the fresh water fish will die.” God said, “Shut up.”
So Noah and his sons built the ark and marched every species on earth aboard in pairs and sevens. Then God flooded the earth and Noah watched the bubbles come up as all the men, women, children, and babies sank beneath the water and drowned. Glub, glub…
Months later the ark landed in some mountains in a place where thousands of years later people keep seeing it, but no one has managed to take a decent picture of it.
The End…
This was hillarious. Thanks for making my day!
:-)
glub, glub, glub
Once upon a time, approximately 2900 BCE, a great flood occurred in Shuruppak which was then a capital city and a commercial center located on the Euphrates River. Scientists know this since there are deposited sediments in Shuruppak directly above artifacts from the Jemdet Nasr period.
Of the six surviving versions of the Ancient Near East flood story, (The Noah story is the most recent one) the Epic of Atrahasis is the most explicit about the nature of the flood. According to Atrahasis III,iv,6-9 “Like dragonflies they (dead bodies) have filled the river. Like a raft they have moved to the edge (of the boat). Like a raft they have moved to the riverbank.”
Centuries later, an editor of the Epic of Gilgamesh XI, replaced the word “river” with the word “sea”, thus turning the river flood into an ocean deluge. We can see the mythmaker’s hand at work here. The editor copied the Atrahasis flood story word-for-word into the Epic of Gilgamesh, but the editor made several changes. He changed the line in Atrahasis “Like dragonflies they have filled the river” and substituted “Like the spawn of fish they fill the sea” in Gilgamesh XI.
The flood myth in the Epic of Gilgamesh was adapted from an earlier myth, the Epic of Atrahasis which is also very similar to the Genesis flood myth. Six of these Ancient Near East flood myths contain numerous distinctive story elements that are very similar to the Genesis flood myth and because of literary similarities they are known to be based on a common body of legends about the flood hero Ziusudra (Noah) and based on the Euphrates River flood of 2900 BC.
I used to believe all those stories.Now i only have one question…….What the HELL was i thinking?
I feel like a damned idiot for actually believing this stuff, up until several years ago. The only reason people believe this BS is because (sorry if I hurt your feelings, believers), you were all brainwashed when you were young, little, kids. The only way people can think this stuff is valid is if someone indoctrinates them when they are young. If a believer tries to argue that the bible is really true, they would take the opposite position if they were Jewish, or Muslim, or Buddhist, etc.
Hey there - as a believer who doen;t believe that the bible is literally true (eg the flood sotry) I’ve got to point out that lookiung a at a text from over 2500 years ago and placing our own present day world view is boudn top make us laugh. We’re asking the wrong questoin when we ask “Is this true?” I think we should be asking “what does this sotry tell us about the ancients understanding of Gdo and what does this mean for me here today”. A much more fruitful question.
It is possible to have faith and a brain - however most believers are stuck in their Sunday school undersatanding of God.
Greg,
I agree with some of what you say. However, the amusing part for me isn’t so much that the primitive ancient people who originated this tale showed very poor logic and little common sense, but that some adults today still think this story literally happened exactly the way it appears in the bible text.
To me this story, like many other stories in the Bible is simply meant to scare people to control them. I know it scared the pants off of me as a little child when I first read it.
Later on as a Christian I was taught that it was also a love story, how God had a loving relationship with one man and his family while he was drowning all of the other “nasty, naughty” men, women, children, and babies on earth. Also that God changed the laws of light refraction so that rainbows would appear after storms to remind us that he would never do this scary thing again. Of course later the Bible mentions that next time it’ll be fire instead.
take care,
Capella