And Horus has already taken off…
Welcome to this week’s edition of the number one TV show internationally: “Resurrection Island.”
On Resurrection Island we take many of the gods who have resurrected throughout history and strand them on a desert island with no restroom facilities. All gods are then required to drink a six pack of beer and try to hold it as long as they can before they have to resurrect.
This week we have a newcomer: Jesus Christ of Judeah. Because he’s one of the last gods in history to resurrect, our money is on him to win our divinely coveted omnipotent-bladder award.
BTW, Jesus resurrected about 3,000 years after our oldest contestant, Horus of Egypt, and Jesus comes from a long line of other gods that have resurrected since Horus.
Some of these other gods that will be resurrecting today:
Thulis of Egypt
Inanna of Mesopotamia
Attis, Adonis, Persephone, and Dionysus of Greece
Krishna, Sakia, and Buddha of India
Tammuz of Syria
Hesus of the Celtic Druids
Quirinus of Rome
Alcestis of Euripedes
Atys of Phrygia
Indra of Tibet
Crite of Chaldea
Odin of Scandinavia
Baal of Phoenicia
(four hours and a dozen or so gods later…)
Wait a minute… here comes Mithra of Persia:
And finally… here comes our winner: Jesus of Judeah.
And in addition to all those who have been actually resurrected, how about all those heroes who are not dead but sleeping somewhere waiting for the call – including;
The ancient German heroes — Kings Ariovist, Hermann, Wittekind, Siegfried with the horny skin, etc.
Frederick Barbarossa.
Emperor Karl V.
Charlemagne
Holger Danske
The 12 knights of Alleberg
Earl Gerald.
King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.
&tc.
Lets not forget all those other virgin births too
I also read somewhere that if Jesus resurrected bodily, or as a spirit visibly seen going up toward heaven (a place up there), even at the speed of light he isn’t half way across our little galaxy of the milky way yet. Think of the air miles accumulated.
This would make a good comedy show! Thanks creating it…
Nick
Critical Critique
Stop it, I’m choking on my soda!!!
In my best Mr. Burns voice: “EXCELLENT!!”
Israeli scholars just found a 3-ft.-high tablet named “Gabriel’s Revelation” that pre-dates the birth of Jesus Christ and announces the raising of a messiah after three days in the grave. So you can add that to your list, as well.
BTW, The “resurrection after 3 days” is the Winter Sun rising 3 days after the Winter Solstice on December 22nd, hence Christmas day is on the 25th. This was largely important because it signified the return of longer daylight, and a reassurance that Spring would come again. That’s all it means and nothing more…no messiah/prophet/son of god was ever resurrected….ever.
Re.the resurrection how come the disciples were so reluctant to believe at first that Christ had risen,given that they had witnessed him supposedly doing miracles for three years,including raising Lazarus? And also if all the miracles happened the moment christ died(earthquake,zombies rising,eclipse of the sun)that would be pretty convincing to disciples and the general public??Duh!
I’d really like to see a debate on this.
Rod Parsley, Jack Van Impe, Pat Robertson, Benny Hinn, John Hagee or Paul Crouch would never have the balls to stand up in front of the world and face these resurrected saviors. (all of whom pre-date their precious jesus)