The Adventures of Baby Jesus. Episode IV: The Baby Time Tunnel
Once again, baby Jesus saves … the day.
Once upon a time in the land of Judea, in an animal stall, a very young and very pregnant Jewish woman named Mary carefully watched where she stepped as she dropped out a baby who she named Jesus (after an uncle who threw her bat mitzvah). But according to the Gospel of Matthew this ruined a gentleman named Herod’s day. Herod was King of Judea and extremely PO’ed because according to prophecy, a Messiah was supposed to take his place someday.
“Oy vay!!” “What to do??” King Herod thought for a moment and soon the evil corners of his mouth curled upwards and he snapped his fingers. He said “no problem, we’ll just kill all the miserable little brats under the age of two and we’re good.”
But Joseph, the father of newly born Jesus learned about this in a dream and …
(Mat 2:14-15 NRSV) … Joseph got up, took the child and his mother by night, and went to Egypt,
and remained there until the death of Herod. …
Herod died in 4 BCE by the way.
But wait a tick. That was the Gospel of Matthew. The Gospel of Luke has Jesus being born 10 years later when Quirinius became Emperor of Syria (6 CE).
(Luke 2:1-2 & 5 NRSV) In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. … He (Joeseph) went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.
How can baby Jesus be scampering off to Egypt to escape King Herod’s purge before baby Jesus was even born 10 years later in another Gospel??
What will baby Jesus do?? What will he do???
Baby Jesus knows what to do. He snaps his little fingers and …
When baby Jesus finally tumbles to the ground 10 years in the future, he jumps into Mary inpregnating her (Oy!) as she and Joseph are traveling to Bethlehem to be registered. While Mary and Joeseph are in Bethlehem, Mary carefully watched where she stepped as she squatted to drop baby Jesus into an animal feeding trough full of hay and baby Jesus was born a second time.
Yes… baby Jesus saves … the day. Once again he keeps the Gospels from grossly contradicting each other in a way that should make Christians and everyone else wonder what else in the Bible was likely made-up.
Tune in next week for more adventures of baby Jesus.
For further reading about this Bible contradiction:
http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/richard_carrier/quirinius.html
LOL. I really like your blog. Some of these posts are just hilarious.
I’d also like to thank you for your page about the Bible’s idea of the Earth and universe. When I actually started to read the Bible, this was the first thing that seemed really demonstrably false to me, and I searched around to see if my understanding of what it was saying was correct, with your page being one of the main ones I found. It’s also been fun reading your other pages, as well as your blog entries.
I wish others would read the Bible objectively and not just be a Christian by default. Your blog is one of the resources we need to show the silliness and inconsistency of the Bible. Thanks and keep up the good work.
This is way too funny. I was just laid off today. You have made my day. Not only does the truth can hurt but it can be hilarious as well.
[…] Time travel. It makes perfect sense now. […]