The Adventures of Baby Jesus. Episode IV: The Baby Time Tunnel
Once again, baby Jesus saves … the day.
Once upon a time in the land of Judea, in an animal stall, a very young and very pregnant Jewish woman named Mary carefully watched where she stepped as she dropped out a baby who she named Jesus (after an uncle who threw her bat mitzvah). But according to the Gospel of Matthew this ruined a gentleman named Herod’s day. Herod was King of Judea and extremely PO’ed because according to prophecy, a Messiah was supposed to take his place someday.
“Oy vay!!” “What to do??” King Herod thought for a moment and soon the evil corners of his mouth curled upwards and he snapped his fingers. He said “no problem, we’ll just kill all the miserable little brats under the age of two and we’re good.”
But Joseph, the father of newly born Jesus learned about this in a dream and …
(Mat 2:14-15 NRSV) … Joseph got up, took the child and his mother by night, and went to Egypt,
and remained there until the death of Herod. …
Herod died in 4 BCE by the way.
But wait a tick. That was the Gospel of Matthew. The Gospel of Luke has Jesus being born 10 years later when Quirinius became governor of Syria (6 CE).
(Luke 2:1-2 & 5 NRSV) In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. … He (Joeseph) went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.
How can baby Jesus be scampering off to Egypt to escape King Herod’s purge before baby Jesus was even born 10 years later in another Gospel??
What will baby Jesus do?? What will he do???
Baby Jesus knows what to do. He snaps his little fingers and …
When baby Jesus finally tumbles to the ground 10 years in the future, he jumps into Mary inpregnating her (Oy!) as she and Joseph are traveling to Bethlehem to be registered. While Mary and Joeseph are in Bethlehem, Mary carefully watched where she stepped as she squatted to drop baby Jesus into an animal feeding trough full of hay and baby Jesus was born a second time.
Yes… baby Jesus saves … the day. Once again he keeps the Gospels from grossly contradicting each other in a way that should make Christians and everyone else wonder what else in the Bible was likely made-up.
Tune in next week for more adventures of baby Jesus.
For further reading about this Bible contradiction:
http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/richard_carrier/quirinius.html
LOL. I really like your blog. Some of these posts are just hilarious.
I’d also like to thank you for your page about the Bible’s idea of the Earth and universe. When I actually started to read the Bible, this was the first thing that seemed really demonstrably false to me, and I searched around to see if my understanding of what it was saying was correct, with your page being one of the main ones I found. It’s also been fun reading your other pages, as well as your blog entries.
I wish others would read the Bible objectively and not just be a Christian by default. Your blog is one of the resources we need to show the silliness and inconsistency of the Bible. Thanks and keep up the good work.
This is way too funny. I was just laid off today. You have made my day. Not only does the truth can hurt but it can be hilarious as well.
[...] Time travel. It makes perfect sense now. [...]
Very funny. Did you know that abortion saves the souls of babies? If a child dies before reaching the age of accountability that child will automatically go to heaven. If a child is born there will be a risk that child will “choose” not to believe in God and will go to hell. If the child is never born and life begins at conception the child will get to go to heaven and bypass Earth. So it’s kind of like Pascal’s wager. You can ask a parent to be “Wouldn’t it be better to abort your baby now and insure that your child will be guaranteed to go to heaven than to take a chance and allow your baby to born into the world and risk the possibiltiy that one day your child will end up in hell?” Yes, it’s twisted logic but if there were any consistency to Christian logic it wouldn’t be so absurd. How can a Christian refute that abortion saves babies souls?
Jesse,good logic.Have you seen the post ‘egg saints in heaven’ which further illustrates the absurdity of the ‘soul’ entering an egg at conception ?
Thank you, Dazzler. I try to use basic simple logic.
Terrific story told in a different (I am not sure if OK) way.
I agree with Keith I wish others would read the Bible objectively and not just be a Christian by default.
interesting story.. thanks for sharing
I’m glad I stumbled upon this site! I love the way you handle the contradiction, by offering the most obvious explanation.
Looking forward to exploring this site…
“Once again he keeps the Gospels from grossly contradicting each other in a way that should make Christians and everyone else wonder what else in the Bible was likely made-up.”
Thank you! My goodness, with all those contradictions, how can we put our faith in something so fantastical?
hilarious. i love that you even attempted to explain it. someone had to.
What I want to know is, if you presented the inconsistency to a man of the cloth, how would he react? It seems like a believer’s only choice would be to say, “You’re right. It doesn’t make sense. I guess it’s all made up”
Most people of faith are in denial about the contradictions, errors and atrocities in the Bible. There are people who call themselves “apologetics” who come up with any explanation necessary no matter how ridiculous to satisfy themselves and others that there’s no problems in the Bible.
When I was a Christian, I became more and more troubled by all of the Bible problems as I discovered them and read about them but most Christians cling to their faith regardless because of it’s psychological appeal.
I guess without the “apologetics”, the foundation would crumble, no? Because followers can’t rationally accept “because that’s the way it is” forever…
Well, the apologetics try to give the denial a fascade of credibility. Without their ridiculous explanations, the believers would simply just fall back on saying that “God’s ways” are just too difficult for the brain he supposedly gave us to understand. I’ve heard that so many times.
Hey capella,
I’ve really enjoyed your site. I actually get excited discussing this kind of stuff, because I feel like a rational being bearing the truth.
I wouldn’t want people to lose faith in general, but it makes more sense to put faith in people, or in institutions they can trust.
Great post… and thanks for the link to the Secular Web. I thought I had enough to read here…
I think you should eventually be canonized for this contribution to Christianity. I’m surprised nobody has properly explained this phenomenon before!
Funny stuff! Really good blog – thanks. Very good logic indeed!
I got here by chance. Your blog is really funny. I had a stressful day today, but especially this one made my day!!! Thanks.
This is so funny ’cause it’s true!
Just hilarious, I love it!
I love time travel stories!
I totally agree with you. I enjoyed it and had a great time!
:) Excellent, how could you not like and agree with that.
“I wish others would read the Bible objectively and not just be a Christian by default.”
I too agree with this quote from Keith. Nobody wants to just hear the response “Just have faith” or “Well, if the Bible says it then it must be true.” to every question that they ask about the Bible or Christianity in general.
Capella this post is intriguing because you have indeed brought up a discrepancy. In truth…I am a Christian. And..I don’t have an answer for this discrepancy. So, I am not going to try and give one of the “standard” answers because that would be foolish. Everyone should know what they believe..or don’t believe..and why.
Thank you Capella for giving me something to think about.
Jesse Jinkins – “If a child dies before reaching the age of accountability that child will automatically go to heaven.”
Very interesting thought! I grew up in a very religious household which really turned me away from any religion. You know, I believe that if there is a God, religion would be the exact opposite of what God would be.
I think most people have this so twisted right now, the second you start incorporating religion you start to judge others upon what your “beliefs” are.